Where am I now?

Apart from in the doodoo...?

Well we're in 2015 so we've technically left the horrors of 2014 behind. I've been left slightly stunned I have to say - at the number of times life can hit you round the head with a brick and just keep on going.  Whatever depths you think you have sunk to in your life... there is always a worse place you can be. 

I think it would be fair to say that I've now reached my 'assentotic value' (as my mum would say) for shit and that the guy with the shovel needs to stick it where the sun don't shine! A word of warning by the way - NEVER say (to said chap with shovel) -  "Got any more?!" Because he has, believe me, he has - and he's listening. So don't be tempted.

Of course there is always something useful to be gained from going through hell. For example, I've learnt a whole load more about Cancer - see next post!

But I've also learnt that you CAN face your worst nightmares and live to tell the tale.  I don't actually advise it however. Avoid it if you can!! But as someone said to me recently:  "Things may not be as black as you think". Hold onto that... it may well be true!! I don't mean it won't be horrendous... just not quite as terrible as you imagined...

Then there's the bonus of having your worst fears come true so you don't have to live your life dreading what might happen, cos HEY it already happened!  Got to take your silver linings where you can find them!

Then there's the great truth I learnt... Silence please for the great truth:

The saying "life never gives you more than you can handle"  is complete and utter bullshit! Life doesn't give a shit whether you can handle it or not. It's up to you to get on with it - or crumble. Either way, life is fine with the outcome. However, I think I know where this saying comes from - or why it does. Fact is if you really can't cope with it, your mind will shut it out.  Result!

Mind you it's not that easy - but I understand now why mental patients rock, mumble and twitch. They're trying to block stuff out.  And why people have panic attacks and why lights seem too bright and why there are too many people, and too many things trying to grab your attention.

The best idea is to hole up where there are no people and no demands and no bright lights. But who has that opportunity? Unfortunately not me. Bummer. But give the mind time and it'll block enough stuff out so you can just about cope. For how long I don't know... I'll get back to you on that.

I've also learnt how versatile the human psyche is. You can be utterly drained one minute,  no hope, no energy, no motivation and you don't give a shit what happens; the next, you can be two fingers to the world and hellbent on achieving something you want even if you know you can only limp towards the goal.

And despite everything, if somebody important needs something and the dregs at the bottom of the barrel were used up months ago, it's amazing how you can find the energy to rise up one more time - or however many times it needs - to help them out. Try and stop me - and I know the shovel guy is listening - and I DON'T give a damn!