Cattus Interruptus!

Here is a little post about my romantic afternoon at Dan's house - just the two of us... alone with 3 cats. Very sweet and loveable cats... at least they WERE.... ;) Please read on! 

When I arrive, Dan makes me a cup of tea and then we think we will have a nice cuddle up on the sofa. But we look down, and there is Buster sitting between us, looking 'comfortable'. Cats have a way of looking comfortable. They do it deliberately! ;) That's how they get us not to move them... So we sit there... looking at each other longingly over the top of our 'cat chaperone' while he stretches and purrs and licks his parts. Hmmm!

Anyway - later on we're in Dan's room getting rather cosy... or trying to... only there's a sound like an old pair of bellows creaking open and shut. Ahhh! Here comes Snewey!  Snewey is determined to join in the fun, so he makes his way into the room and sits there... breathing... like cats do, only this one does it rather uniquely due to his polyp, which, while not life threatening thank goodness, is still a bit distracting! You know it's just Snewey, but you can't help wishing someone would oil that squeaking door. All a bit offputting! I idly wonder whether there is a plan afoot. Do these cats want to keep Dan for themselves?! 

So finally Snewey moves away and we make another attempt at cuddling up, only to find ourselves joined by Teapot who leaps straight on, like Dan is her own personal property (which I believe he is!) ;) and starts walking up and down on him, kneading away with her claws.  I am busy giving instructions to Teapot as to where NOT to knead Dan with her claws, so her plan to distract us is going well, but then comes the masterstroke! Teapot has a drippy nose. So... she walks up and down and we're watching the drippy nose and I'm trying to make sure it falls on him (ha!) ;) and not me. And somehow... by that time.. we've completely forgotten what we were supposed to be doing. Result! Cat paws high five!! ;)

So...that my friends is a very good example of Cattus Interruptus. Parents with teenage children take note! Let the kids go up to the bedroom by all means! Let them have time alone! Just send a couple of cats up there with them. Problem solved! ;)

One's Asymtotic Value

Well.... my mum had a saying - whenever things got too much she would say she had "reached her asymptotic value." Google it. Go on! Stuff about arbitrary curves and limit values. Huh?! Anyway - suffice it to say that it we in our family think of it as a point beyond which one cannot go.  Very bridge of Khazad dum... "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

Everyone has their limits.  I thought I'd reached mine in 2007. Wrong! Then again in 2012... Also wrong! Then again in 2014....  and there have been points in 2015 when I wondered how I could possibly continue. Not that I didn't want to. I do actually really want to live. I love life - it's just been rather unrequited at times!

The fact, however, that I am still living in my own home complete with chickens  :) is testament to the fact that there have been some letups - some wonderful strokes of good fortune no less - from more than one direction. It's not all bad I admit.  The trouble is, trying to make the most of the good when you are absolutely on the floor with exhaustion and emotional overload.  Life's latest little nugget, while being potentially a very helpful bonus and a rare gift, is quite possibly one bridge of Khazadum too far!

I really am not sure how much longer I can go on doing this on my own. I am trying to gather my energies to focus on the marketing for The Beastliest Bear, who really deserves the best that I can give him, even if he is one of the naughtier sorts of bears around.  It would mean a lot to my dad if I could finally launch this book into it's rightful place in children's book history and despite everything I'm going to give it all I've got. 

The world needs a beastliest bear, of that I am convinced and bears in general need a leg up in society! The world has long consigned teddy bears to the world of the Under 5's which is lovely for the under 5's but very unfair on the older age groups and extremely limiting for your common garden teddy bear whose real nature is so much more rich and diverse than children's literature will currently allow.  Who is the loser? Well, the children, even the adults, and of course, the bears themselves. It's a lose lose situation with extra losers!

This can't be allowed to continue; it is time to find some reserves from somewhere in the hope of avoiding the bridge of Khazadum - for a little while at least. I can't promise anything. I may well get sucked into the abyss. I can only give it my best shot.

Making an effort

When I say I made an effort to save my mum's life - I don't just mean that I spent hours researching cures on the internet, or that I sourced nutrient drinks and pills, or cooked her breakfast, or sorted out her things, or provided her with a counselling ear, or an art therapy outlet, or a rag dolly to help her say the things she couldn't.

I was also trying to support and counsel my dad and trying to control his behaviour so things would be easier on my mum.  And I was trying to stop him from falling out with the carer any more than he already had as I knew the effect it would have on my mum's health. I even broached the 'dreaded subject' of cooking with my dad, who has been a loyal member of the 'can't cook won't cook brigade' for the last 70 odd years and I did actually start to teach him some simple things - albeit far to late in the day to make any difference to my mum.

I was careful what I said to other people about her actual condition as I didn't want (and she didn't want) people 'writing her off' - as they tend to once they learn you have cancer - especially ovarian cancer. So I was always ducking and diving when talking to family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. It was exhausting - but necessary.  Neither did I really 'talk cancer' with my mum. We mostly avoided the word although we did talk about the reality of needing to get rid of her condition.

Then there was keeping my mind under control. It was apt to go off like a rocket in every direction - especially unhelpful ones. I couldn't afford to be negative or fearful - I know what those vibrations attract and it couldn't be risked - which is why I went to all that trouble to mask the truth with other people and to try and keep my dad's spirits up (while maintaining an important element of realism) and most importantly try and keep my mums spirits up as I knew full well if she gave up, or if she didn't want to be here then it was game over.

As it turned out it was game over anyway. But at least I can look back and say I did every damn thing that it was possible to do to try and save her life. And that's quite apart from the matrix energetics that I was using daily to try and help her. I kept picking up blocks during the matrix session, but every time I got down a barrier, another one went up. Admittedly there was progress made at times, but sadly things would slip back again later.

Then there were the hospice visits. Every day for a month. Trying to protect her from the drs and nurses saying the 'wrong things' to her - i.e. negative things that might not help her state of mind and therefore her physical health (cos the two things actually DO go hand in hand -for example - you don't say to a patient just before a procedure "this may go wrong and may not help anyway! - FFS!!) Then there was walking past the 'memory tree' on the wall every day and making sure I got between it and my dad so he didn't look left and see that there was a Shirley on one of the engraved leaves. I thought he might take it as a bad sign!

Then there was sneaking the nutrient drinks and vitamin pills into her as the hospice wouldn't approve. But I made sure she had her organic lemon juice, and vitamin D3 and vitamin K2, as well as the supernutrient Goji Berry Juice. We even tried her on black molasses and bicarb - but sadly as I have said in my other blog it doesn't work well with ascites. We put her dinner tray on a large purple plate (its a kind of magnetic resonance and energises food/water etc) - and I had a pack of wellbeing cards so she could pick an uplifting quote every day to look at and think about.

So it's not as if I didn't put 120% into trying to get her better. It's pretty much finished me off but at least I know, looking back, that she didn't die because I didn't do something. I know that I provided her with every chance to live that I could possibly think of. And when the hospice said that was it and they couldn't do anything more and she would just stay home and die I stayed up most of the night discussing healing strategies with a friend and I lay awake all night trying to talk to her in my mind and get 'in' and turn things around.

What I couldn't do was be there when she died - or while she was dying. But by that point I had so much less than nothing left it was a wonder I was still conscious, and I knew full well that my mum's death would only be the start. It would then be time for Operation Dad - my next challenge. All the practicalities such as sorting out his meals and shopping and a routine for him to stick to (i'm still not quite there yet but I'm trying) and also the getting rid of all the reminders of my mums illness;  the vacated slippers,  the unworn glasses and half used toiletries. to say nothing of trying to support him through the trauma of being there while my mum died over several days and then finally, watching her being put into a bag and taken away - and wondering whether he did see a breath - and was she actually still alive at that point.  And of course, the actual funeral arrangements, which coffin, which cremation urn and so on and so on.  Some rather vivid flashbacks and deja vu there I can tell you...

If I am still sane which I seriously doubt - it is nothing short of a miracle.  And still life goes on! Every day brings a new challenge. Pisses me right off. I just want a quiet life - but I know that if I were to get it, it would be at the expense of losing my last remaining parent leaving me completely alone. Of course I have friends and family and my wonderful cat, but a parent will love you unconditionally  or should! - so it's a kind of security. I know it doesn't always happen so I'm luckier than some!

I actually have a really good idea that has come out of all my experiences in this lifetime. I think it would be much better if instead of growing and developing through fear, pain, suffering, loss, trauma and death, we just went for a series of walks through varying scenary in different types of weather.

There would be all the excitement and adversity involved in  the question of whether or not you have the right type of coat on at the time, wishing you had brought gloves and wondering whether you should have packed an extra sandwich to sustain you. People could talk about their 'journeys'  - how they had made them better and stronger characters and we would all be a damn sight happier. Inspired! I hope you're listening God. Feel free to begin anytime...

The stuff nobody tells you about Cancer

There is a lot of stuff out there on the internet about Cancer - so many natural remedies and possibilities for a cure - which was an eye-opener in itself, but the most important thing I have learnt about Cancer is this: 

Cancer doesn't just have a physical root, it has an emotional root. For example: something you can't get past, someone you can't forgive, emotions that you can't let go of ... something of that nature.  If you can get to the root and release the emotional cause then you should be able to get rid of the disease - it can even clear up on its own. BUT if you can't let go or can't process your 'stuck emotions' (for lack of a technical term) then forget medical help, forget natural remedies, forget Journey Therapy and forget a miracle healing. It will do absolutely no good at all - well as far as the end result goes anyway.

This is what has been shown to me this year -  in glorious technicolour: If you really can't get past your 'stuff' then you have booked your ticket out of here.  If, however, you are able to shift your perspective or come to terms with what's been (probably literally) eating away at you then you have a chance.

I used to do 'spiritual healing' years ago.  I stopped, however, not because it didn't work, although I never went up against anything like Cancer, but because it became clear to me that there was no point. It seemed to me I was healing physical symptoms but not the root cause of those symptoms. 

I've always known there was something deeper - not just a random physical complaint and unless you address that something deeper then you can heal the symptoms but it'll just pop back up again later! Very frustrating.. yet this is what Cancer does. The people who have some part of the body cut out and then, having removed the cancer in that part of the body it seems to 'jump' to another part.  This, in my view, is because the emotional cause of the problem has not been addressed.

All illnesses are symbolic of something. Our body is trying to attract our attention to something. Sometimes people can't let go of whatever it is that has become stuck - sometimes literally - such as oesophageal cancer when in some cases there are things you want to say but they become 'stuck' in the throat and are never expressed. I'm not judging. Some of the best people I know couldn't 'get past' their stuff'.  But I think knowledge is power and being aware of this factor in curing the disease and aware of the fact there may be something you have buried - sometimes so deep you are not aware what it is - gives people an advantage in the fight against the disease.

When I say 'fight against the disease' - I think it really is a fight against - or hopefully 'with' - yourself. But the more awareness there is, the better chance everyone has. Why NOT try everything? And that includes the natural remedies although you need to do your research. 

For example - Essaic Tea - sounds wonderful but when you look into the ingredients in the tea, you find that one of them has the effect of making the tumour bigger in the first instance, before it shrinks. Now, depending on where that tumour is then it could be quite dangerous!

Same goes with bicarbonate of soda. A 'big gun' in the Cancer world and has some miraculous results from what I've read, but because it is salt it needs caution in dealing with people on medication or with heart problems. Always take the medication into account. Sometimes you have to take a risk but that is down to the individual - it being 'their life' and all...!

One more important fact about the Bicarbonate of Soda route - you can't use it if you have Ascites. It doesn't help the fluid situation - so should be avoided. :(

But there are tons of other natural remedies the drug companies don't want you to know about. In fact if you look you will find a list of all these on one of the Cancer sites and by each one it will say "no evidence to support it's effectiveness" - or something similar. Don't let that put you off. Do your research, and if you try it and it works - spread the word!

I don't advocate that there is any one treatment that is best - no one size fits all! Everyone is an individual and so will react better or worse to certain things. Same with Journey Therapy - a powerful Cancer fighter - but not everyone is able to express emotionally in the way it requires - and it very much depends on how much you are prepared to, and able to release. So again, not a miracle cure for the masses - but can work miracles in some cases.

There are a lot of good books out there about natural remedies for Cancer - and a lot of info on the internet as well - but here are some tasters in case you are interested in researching it further.

Ovarian Cancer - Ginger (and you can't take too much of it as it's not toxic) Ginger will cause either cancer cell suicide or cancer cell -starts-eating-its-nextdoorneighbour-cide. Yay!!

Prostate Cancer - Same.

Colon Cancer - grape seed extract (available over the internet) and the great thing is.. the more advanced the cancer is, the less of the stuff you need.

The Alkaline diet: Cancer cells are dormant at ph 7.4 and dead at ph 8.0.  So.. time to start chomping on the leafy green veg, especially broccoli, almond milk is good (almonds are very alkaline), also lemon juice which amazingly despite being acidic, contains limonoids which are cancer fighters plus vitamin C which is another cancer fighter and the salvestrols yet another!-  and found in all fruit and veg - although found in significantly higher quantities in organic fruit and veg. So..organic lemon juice is a good idea!

Bicarbonate of Soda (plus molasses/maple syrup) The 'Trojan Horse' cure where the cancer cells eat up all the lovely sugar that they're so desperate for and then croak because they also accidentally chomped down on the Bicarb which will help to change the ph from acid to alkaline and  is also an antifungal. 

Some theories say Cancer is a fungus and that is why the Bicarb is so powerful. Not sure if that is right, but the bicarb works anyway. Take that cancer cells! Just use with caution - see above re other medication etc.

Other more well-known remedies or 'protocols' are: Vitamin C injections, B17 (laetrile) from apricol kernels - releases cyanide ONLY on contact with cancer cells. (er - win win?!) but watch the side effect of lower blood pressure - another reason for doing your research. 

There are many 'healing therapies' such as the more well known Journey Therapy (see the book "The Journey" by Brandon Bayes). This book is a technique for processing and clearing your emotional stuff - and there are some wonderful techniques - such as the 'campfire' technique which is good on its own when you want to address your problems with another person.  Then there is Matrix Energetics, Spiritual healing, Kinesiology... the list goes on. But bottom line is: SORT YOUR STUFF OR LET IT GO... or you won't live to tell the tale.  

Sad but true. And kind of makes sense if you think about it.  Not to the sceptics of course, people who don't even recognize the link between emotions and the physical body - yikes! - don't fancy their chances.. but then what can you do? You can't help everyone - that's the hardest thing to accept - but you don't really have a choice. The individual has the choice. All I can do is present the information and let people help themselves - or not.

Where am I now?

Apart from in the doodoo...?

Well we're in 2015 so we've technically left the horrors of 2014 behind. I've been left slightly stunned I have to say - at the number of times life can hit you round the head with a brick and just keep on going.  Whatever depths you think you have sunk to in your life... there is always a worse place you can be. 

I think it would be fair to say that I've now reached my 'assentotic value' (as my mum would say) for shit and that the guy with the shovel needs to stick it where the sun don't shine! A word of warning by the way - NEVER say (to said chap with shovel) -  "Got any more?!" Because he has, believe me, he has - and he's listening. So don't be tempted.

Of course there is always something useful to be gained from going through hell. For example, I've learnt a whole load more about Cancer - see next post!

But I've also learnt that you CAN face your worst nightmares and live to tell the tale.  I don't actually advise it however. Avoid it if you can!! But as someone said to me recently:  "Things may not be as black as you think". Hold onto that... it may well be true!! I don't mean it won't be horrendous... just not quite as terrible as you imagined...

Then there's the bonus of having your worst fears come true so you don't have to live your life dreading what might happen, cos HEY it already happened!  Got to take your silver linings where you can find them!

Then there's the great truth I learnt... Silence please for the great truth:

The saying "life never gives you more than you can handle"  is complete and utter bullshit! Life doesn't give a shit whether you can handle it or not. It's up to you to get on with it - or crumble. Either way, life is fine with the outcome. However, I think I know where this saying comes from - or why it does. Fact is if you really can't cope with it, your mind will shut it out.  Result!

Mind you it's not that easy - but I understand now why mental patients rock, mumble and twitch. They're trying to block stuff out.  And why people have panic attacks and why lights seem too bright and why there are too many people, and too many things trying to grab your attention.

The best idea is to hole up where there are no people and no demands and no bright lights. But who has that opportunity? Unfortunately not me. Bummer. But give the mind time and it'll block enough stuff out so you can just about cope. For how long I don't know... I'll get back to you on that.

I've also learnt how versatile the human psyche is. You can be utterly drained one minute,  no hope, no energy, no motivation and you don't give a shit what happens; the next, you can be two fingers to the world and hellbent on achieving something you want even if you know you can only limp towards the goal.

And despite everything, if somebody important needs something and the dregs at the bottom of the barrel were used up months ago, it's amazing how you can find the energy to rise up one more time - or however many times it needs - to help them out. Try and stop me - and I know the shovel guy is listening - and I DON'T give a damn!