When I say I made an effort to save my mum's life - I don't just mean that I spent hours researching cures on the internet, or that I sourced nutrient drinks and pills, or cooked her breakfast, or sorted out her things, or provided her with a counselling ear, or an art therapy outlet, or a rag dolly to help her say the things she couldn't.
I was also trying to support and counsel my dad and trying to control his behaviour so things would be easier on my mum. And I was trying to stop him from falling out with the carer any more than he already had as I knew the effect it would have on my mum's health. I even broached the 'dreaded subject' of cooking with my dad, who has been a loyal member of the 'can't cook won't cook brigade' for the last 70 odd years and I did actually start to teach him some simple things - albeit far to late in the day to make any difference to my mum.
I was careful what I said to other people about her actual condition as I didn't want (and she didn't want) people 'writing her off' - as they tend to once they learn you have cancer - especially ovarian cancer. So I was always ducking and diving when talking to family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. It was exhausting - but necessary. Neither did I really 'talk cancer' with my mum. We mostly avoided the word although we did talk about the reality of needing to get rid of her condition.
Then there was keeping my mind under control. It was apt to go off like a rocket in every direction - especially unhelpful ones. I couldn't afford to be negative or fearful - I know what those vibrations attract and it couldn't be risked - which is why I went to all that trouble to mask the truth with other people and to try and keep my dad's spirits up (while maintaining an important element of realism) and most importantly try and keep my mums spirits up as I knew full well if she gave up, or if she didn't want to be here then it was game over.
As it turned out it was game over anyway. But at least I can look back and say I did every damn thing that it was possible to do to try and save her life. And that's quite apart from the matrix energetics that I was using daily to try and help her. I kept picking up blocks during the matrix session, but every time I got down a barrier, another one went up. Admittedly there was progress made at times, but sadly things would slip back again later.
Then there were the hospice visits. Every day for a month. Trying to protect her from the drs and nurses saying the 'wrong things' to her - i.e. negative things that might not help her state of mind and therefore her physical health (cos the two things actually DO go hand in hand -for example - you don't say to a patient just before a procedure "this may go wrong and may not help anyway! - FFS!!) Then there was walking past the 'memory tree' on the wall every day and making sure I got between it and my dad so he didn't look left and see that there was a Shirley on one of the engraved leaves. I thought he might take it as a bad sign!
Then there was sneaking the nutrient drinks and vitamin pills into her as the hospice wouldn't approve. But I made sure she had her organic lemon juice, and vitamin D3 and vitamin K2, as well as the supernutrient Goji Berry Juice. We even tried her on black molasses and bicarb - but sadly as I have said in my other blog it doesn't work well with ascites. We put her dinner tray on a large purple plate (its a kind of magnetic resonance and energises food/water etc) - and I had a pack of wellbeing cards so she could pick an uplifting quote every day to look at and think about.
So it's not as if I didn't put 120% into trying to get her better. It's pretty much finished me off but at least I know, looking back, that she didn't die because I didn't do something. I know that I provided her with every chance to live that I could possibly think of. And when the hospice said that was it and they couldn't do anything more and she would just stay home and die I stayed up most of the night discussing healing strategies with a friend and I lay awake all night trying to talk to her in my mind and get 'in' and turn things around.
What I couldn't do was be there when she died - or while she was dying. But by that point I had so much less than nothing left it was a wonder I was still conscious, and I knew full well that my mum's death would only be the start. It would then be time for Operation Dad - my next challenge. All the practicalities such as sorting out his meals and shopping and a routine for him to stick to (i'm still not quite there yet but I'm trying) and also the getting rid of all the reminders of my mums illness; the vacated slippers, the unworn glasses and half used toiletries. to say nothing of trying to support him through the trauma of being there while my mum died over several days and then finally, watching her being put into a bag and taken away - and wondering whether he did see a breath - and was she actually still alive at that point. And of course, the actual funeral arrangements, which coffin, which cremation urn and so on and so on. Some rather vivid flashbacks and deja vu there I can tell you...
If I am still sane which I seriously doubt - it is nothing short of a miracle. And still life goes on! Every day brings a new challenge. Pisses me right off. I just want a quiet life - but I know that if I were to get it, it would be at the expense of losing my last remaining parent leaving me completely alone. Of course I have friends and family and my wonderful cat, but a parent will love you unconditionally or should! - so it's a kind of security. I know it doesn't always happen so I'm luckier than some!
I actually have a really good idea that has come out of all my experiences in this lifetime. I think it would be much better if instead of growing and developing through fear, pain, suffering, loss, trauma and death, we just went for a series of walks through varying scenary in different types of weather.
There would be all the excitement and adversity involved in the question of whether or not you have the right type of coat on at the time, wishing you had brought gloves and wondering whether you should have packed an extra sandwich to sustain you. People could talk about their 'journeys' - how they had made them better and stronger characters and we would all be a damn sight happier. Inspired! I hope you're listening God. Feel free to begin anytime...
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