Trying to save my mum's life

When I say I made an effort to save my mum's life - I don't just mean that I spent hours researching cures on the internet, or that I sourced nutrient drinks and pills, or cooked her breakfast, or sorted out her things, or provided her with a counselling ear, or an art therapy outlet, or a rag dolly to help her say the things she couldn't.

I was also trying to support and counsel my dad and trying to control his behaviour so things would be easier on my mum.  And I was trying to stop him from falling out with the carer any more than he already had as I knew the effect it would have on my mum's health. I even broached the 'dreaded subject' of cooking with my dad, who has been a loyal member of the 'can't cook won't cook brigade' for the last 70 odd years and I did actually start to teach him some simple things - albeit far to late in the day to make any difference to my mum.

I was careful what I said to other people about her actual condition as I didn't want (and she didn't want) people 'writing her off' - as they tend to once they learn you have cancer - especially ovarian cancer. So I was always ducking and diving when talking to family, friends, colleagues and neighbours. It was exhausting - but necessary.  Neither did I really 'talk cancer' with my mum (her preference). We mostly avoided the word although we did talk about the reality of needing to get better from her illness.

Then there was keeping my mind under control. It was apt to go off like a rocket in every direction - especially unhelpful ones. I couldn't afford to be negative or fearful - I know what those vibrations can attract - which is why I went to all that trouble to mask the truth with other people and to try and keep my dad's spirits up (while maintaining an important element of realism). Most importantly I had to try and keep my mums spirits up, as I knew full well if she gave up, or if she didn't want to be here, then it was game over.

As it turned out, it was game over anyway. But at least I can look back and say I did every damn thing that it was possible to do to try and save her life. And that's quite apart from the matrix energetics that I was using daily to try and help her. I kept picking up blocks during the matrix session, but every time I cleared a barrier to the healing another one went up. Admittedly there was progress made at times, but sadly things would slip back again later.

Then there were the hospice visits. Every day for a month. Trying to protect her from the Drs and nurses saying the wrong things to her - i.e. negative things that might not help her state of mind and therefore her physical health (cos the two things actually DO go hand in hand!) For example - saying to a patient just before a procedure "this may go wrong and puncture an organ. Plus it may not help you anyway!" I appreciate they have to cover themselves but.. just... FIND ANOTHER WAY FFS! 

Then there was walking past the 'memory tree' on the wall every day and making sure I got between it and my dad so he didn't look left and see that there was a Shirley on one of the engraved leaves. I was worried he would take it as a bad omen!

Then there was sneaking the nutrient drinks and vitamin pills into her as the hospice wouldn't approve. But I made sure she had her organic lemon juice, and vitamin D3 and vitamin K2, as well as the super nutrient Goji Berry Juice. We even tried her on black molasses and bicarb - but sadly, it doesn't work well with ascites. 

We put her dinner tray on a large purple plate (a kind of magnetic resonance and energises food/water etc) - and I had a pack of wellbeing cards so she could pick an uplifting quote every day to look at and think about. So it's not as if I didn't try everything. I put 120% into trying to help her recover. 

It's pretty much finished me off but at least I know, looking back, that she didn't die because I didn't do something. I know that I provided her with every chance to live that I could possibly think of. 

And when the hospice said she was about to die and they couldn't do anything more, I stayed up most of the night discussing healing strategies with a friend. Then I lay awake the rest of the night trying to talk to her in my mind and get 'in' and turn things around.

What I couldn't do was be there when she died - or while she was dying. But by that point I had so much less than nothing left it was a wonder I was still conscious, and I knew full well that my mum's death would only be the start. 

It would then be time for Operation Dad. All the practicalities such as sorting out his meals and shopping and a routine for him to stick to (I'm still not quite there yet but I'm trying) and also getting rid of all the reminders of my mums illness;  the vacated slippers,  the unworn glasses and half used toiletries - to say nothing of trying to support him through the trauma of being there while my mum died over several days. 

Then, finally, when they put her into a bag and took her away he wondered whether he saw a breath - and maybe she was actually still alive.  Guess who had to phone the Dr and the funeral parlour to ask whether she was really dead? And of course, the actual funeral arrangements, which coffin, which cremation urn and so on and so on.  Some rather vivid flashbacks and Deja Vu there I can tell you...  Suffice it to say, all of the above was going to take someone who was still, if not fully, actually functioning. So... all I'm saying is 'you pays your money and you makes your choice!' 

If I am still sane - which I seriously doubt - it is nothing short of a miracle.  And still life goes on! Every day brings a new challenge, although I really wish it wouldn't!

That said, I've actually come up with a brilliant idea. I think it would be much better if instead of growing and developing through fear, pain, suffering, loss, trauma and death, we just went for a series of walks through varying scenery in different types of weather.

There would be all the excitement and challenge involved in  the question of whether or not you have the right type of coat on at the time, wishing you had brought gloves and wondering whether you should have packed an extra sandwich to sustain you. 

People could talk about their 'journeys'  - how they had made them better and stronger characters and we would all be a damn sight happier. I hope you're listening God. Feel free to begin anytime...